MUNIRA LEKOVIC EZZELDINE

Being a mother is certainly not easy. As Allah describes in the Qur’an, “…in travail upon travail did his mother bear him, and in years twain was his weaning…” (31:14). These travails are often referred to as pregnancy, birthing and nursing. But that is just the beginning.
Mothers are in the daily “trenches” of changing diapers, helping with homework, cooking dinner, disciplining and running between work, picking kids up from school, and soccer games. These daily acts of service to her family can encompass her so completely that she loses balance and perspective of herself. When a woman loses the deeper spiritual significance of motherhood, she may feel that the duty of a mother is to martyr herself for her family by putting everyone else’s needs ahead of her own. But carrying all the burdens and difficulties is not the path to being a good mother. In fact it only depletes a woman, and may even build resentment, making her think that her children and her family “owe” her, as payback for her “martyrdom.”
As the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ (Allah’s peace and blessings be upon him) taught us that: “A person’s wealth shall not decrease with charity.” What better charity is there than the charity of a mother helping her family? However, as with all forms of giving, the reward is in the giving, not in what is paid back to us by those we give to. Indeed all forms of giving benefit the donor, when done right.
Motherhood is a journey that allows one to witness the growth of a child as well as instill growth in women by making them stronger and wiser. Allah blesses women with children and in turn mothers make a promise to Allah to nurture children into adulthood. Through the process of parenting children, one realizes that it is also about role modeling a balanced and healthy lifestyle to children. Being a mother is not being a martyr. Rather it is respecting the trust and responsibility of raising children as well as respecting yourself as a strong woman. Children will respect their mothers as women who service their families for the sake of Allah. The responsibility of motherhood makes a woman grow stronger physically, mentally and spiritually because she is tested in all areas. She learns to stretch herself to serve those around her with the ultimate purpose of pleasing Allah, while at the same time not losing herself. A mother should not simply become weaker through her giving, but stronger and more balanced.
Here are six ways mothers can find balance and stay focused in order to get through the tough days of parenting as well as enjoy the journey of motherhood:
1. “I will remind myself daily that my time with my children is precious.” Childhood will end one day and my “baby” will soon be an adult. Our children are changing daily and maturing into an adult. Parenting is celebrating the everyday moments more than focusing on the milestones of our children’s life. Spending quality time with our children and making time to communicate and share with our children is what will be remembered. The mundane activities in our life are the ways we connect daily with our children, so we need to see them more as experiences of connection rather than activities we just need to get through and move on to the next.
2. “I will take care of myself.” Physically, mentally and spiritually. By constantly giving attention to our children and husband, we many times forget to take care of ourselves or we put our needs at the bottom of the list. Some mothers don’t even put themselves on the list at all. But as mothers we can only give as much as we have, and if we do not refill our own tanks then we will have nothing left to give. Taking care of our bodies through exercise is vital for our physical health as well as boosting our overall mood and energy. Spending time exercising is not selfish, unnecessary or extra. It must be seen as a priority in order to be able to do our duty as a mother. Taking care of our mental and spiritual self is also vital because this is the area that is most challenged and drained from us when raising our children. The intention of our daily prayers is to help us refocus and slow down our hectic lives, especially as mothers. Since women are the “heart” of a household, we must find inner peace in order for the family to feel in balance. Finding and sustaining self-confidence and happiness will manifest to our children and husband.
3. “I am not a perfect mother.” Many Muslim mothers have extremely idealistic views of parenting or high expectations of themselves as mothers. Our children do not need us to be perfect and they actually will easily forgive us when we acknowledge our mistakes and show our imperfections. We must accept that we will make mistakes which will be opportunities for us to grow and become smarter moms for future challenges. We need to forgive ourselves and release ourselves of the burden of striving for perfection. We need to eliminate the thinking that other moms have attained perfection and they do everything right. We can only do the best that we can with what we have and we should focus on the things that matter – our relationships with them. Dinners won’t always be amazing, the dishes won’t always be clean, and laundry will pile up, but when our kids become adults they won’t remember any of that; rather they will remember the time they spent and the conversations they had with us.
4. “I will make my marriage a priority.” Children place a huge strain on a marriage, especially for mothers of young children. Many mothers focus entirely on the needs of their children and in the process neglect their relationship with their husband. Physical and emotional exhaustion leave women with little energy left to give to their husband and this attitude of “nothing left to give” can cause disconnection in the marriage. It is vital that we find balance in our marriage alongside parenting because not only is it good for our children to witness a healthy relationship, but it is also good for our mental health. The companionship of a spouse is one that will supersede our relationship with our children, especially as children grow older. We must maintain a loving connection to our spouse so that we can grow old together and be further bonded to one another after the children are grown and married. This means we can’t put our marriage “on hold,” rather we must maintain a bond of friendship and love through the trying times of parenthood. It is vital we spend time alone with our husband so that we can see each other through the lens of a spouse and not only as a caregiver to our children. Going on “date nights” and weekend outings as a couple is vital for the bond to be maintained and sustained.
5. “I will value my friendships.” Connecting and sharing with other women helps us to realize the commonality in our struggles as mothers and women. Having sisters and girlfriends in our life makes us stronger because these relationships nurture us emotionally and help us manage the stress in our lives. Our girlfriends and sisters have a special place in our lives that even our husbands cannot fill or replace. Making time to connect with our friends will help us feel happier and recharged so that we are able to give to our children and husband. Talking to and going out with girlfriends is vital for mothers to boost their connection to other women. It will improve our moods and fill our tanks so that we can give to our children and better connect with our husbands.
6. “I will prioritize family dinners.” Eating together as a family is a daily activity of bonding. Routines in children’s lives can foster a deep sense of security. Creating traditions such as eating together is meaningful to our daily lives because it is a time the family comes together to share their day and connect with one another. Research has shown children who regularly have dinner with their families are more likely to do better and make good choices with regard to friends, drugs and sex. Bringing everyone together daily will create a more communicative family dynamic, and the tradition of food, conversations and joy will be the memories that everyone will cherish.

Adopting an effective method for training children is extremely important and necessary. It is because a child is Allah’s trust in parents’ hands and the child’s heart is like a nice, clean, and simple mirror which, although, is devoid of any types of impressions or shapes, is capable of accepting the influence of all types of impressions and influences and it can be inclined towards any thing you like. Therefore, if good habits are inculcated in the child and if he/she is instructed in knowledge, then the child after gaining such excellent nourishment (upbringing), achieves the real success of this life and of the life hereafter. In this [success], the parents and the teachers of the child become entitled to a share in the rewards [from Allah for good upbringing of the child]. And if bad habits are inculcated (nurtured) in a child and [if the child is] left unhindered (unattended/free) like animals, then he/she gets destroyed after becoming ill mannered. The burden of sin [of such negligence] fells on his/her guardian and caretaker. Allah, the Exalted, has said [in the Holy Quran]:

“Ya Ayyuhal Lazeena Aamano Qu Anfusakum Wa Ahleekum Naarun.”

“O you who believe! Save yourself and your family from the fire of Hell.”

And when the father saves his child from the fires of this world, then as a first priority, it is incumbent (obligatory) upon him to save his child from the fire of the hereafter (Hellfire) and the only way of doing this is that he teaches the child manners and civilization and educate him/her in the best of morals and protect him/her from bad companions and friends and should not let the desire for physical beautification, fine dresses, ornamentation, physical ease, and comfort-seeking settle in his/her heart, otherwise, the child after growing up, will waste his/her precious life in desiring and seeking these lowly things and will get eternally destroyed by them. Instead, it’s incumbent upon the father to keep a strict watch and care from a very early age [of his child].

BY: Imam Abu Hamid Muhammad Al-Ghazali 

“ Ammi?” he says. He pauses, there is no answer, so now he shouts, “ Ammi! Ammi!”

She still doesn’t answer. Yusef gets up and leaves his room, and continues to shout, “Ammi!”. His little sister, Sophia, who was playing next to him, follows him out the bedroom. She also starts shouting “Ammi!”. The children find their mother in the in the room with all the books and Baba’s computer. She wouldn’t answer them because she is doing her prayers, facing towards a bookshelf. She is bowing.

Yusef and Sophia run to her shouting “Ammi! Ammi!”.

Their mother continues with her prayers, and kneels down on the floor, arms outstretched. Yusef and Sophia jump on top of her back. When their mother stands up, the children slide down her back, laughing. They wait until she is on the floor again, looking like a table, then they again they climb on top of her back, laughing when she rises as they slide off. Their mother stands up and now Sophia stands directly in front of her and shouts, “Hold me! Hold me Ammi!”.

Yusef’s mother continues with her prayers, but she stoops over and holds Sophia in her arms as she prays. Yusef knows he is too big for his mother to hold, but he likes the feeling of being close to her. So, he puts one hand on his mother and keeping his hand on her the entire time, he walks in circles around her. When his mother bows, she is still holding Sophia. Sophia giggles in delight. When Ammi goes to kneel on the ground, she puts Sophia directly in front of her and bends over Sohpia’s curled up body. Sohpia giggles at this too, she has a hiding place. Yusef jumps on his mother’s back while she is kneeling over his sister. When his mother rises, he slides off and laughs, the same thing repeats again. Her mother sits quietly and puts her finger in the air. Sophia remains motionless on the floor.

Yusef runs to a corner and pulls out a prayer rug. He puts it next to his mother. His mother rises, and this time, Yusef stands along side her and imitates her, looking straight ahead, or stealing glances at his mother. Sophia pulls herself off the floor, leaves the room, and comes back with her comfort blanket draped over her head. She stands on the other side of her mother as all three now finish the prayer together, standing straight, bowing, making prostration. This repeats once more, and then they are all kneeling on the floor together. When their mother raises her finger, the children raise their fingers at the same time. Their mother looks to her right shoulder and says, “ Asalamu Alaykum wa rahmatu Allah.”

Yusef also looks to the right.

Yusef’s mother looks over her left shoulder and says, “ Asalamu Alaykum wa rahmatu Allah”.

Yusef also looks to the left.

Yusef and his mother both raise their hands, palms upward, making a cup shape. Their mother is whispering to God and the angels. Then both mother and son brush their hands to complete the prayer. Yusef makes a big deal about this, brushing all over.

Yasmeen puts her arms over both children and hugs them, pulling them towards her. She kisses them and tells them how much she loves them.

Nabeela M. Rehman has a PhD in biochemistry and for the past eleven years has been a homemaker. She lives with her husband and three children in the Chicago suburbs.

Sheikh Hâtim al-`Awnî, professor at Umm al-Qurâ University

Then he commenced to deliver the sermon. The Prophet (peace be upon him) was very attached to his grandchildren. If we consider this hadîth carefully, we realize the depth of his fatherly feelings and just how compassionate a man he was.

We know very well that delivering a sermon is a demanding activity. A person who is engaged in demanding work has little time for extraneous sentimental thoughts, especially when those thoughts are about normal, everyday things like being a parent. Usually, only something quite out of the ordinary can distract a person who is preoccupied and hard at work.

Think about a preacher on the pulpit today. He is standing in front of a crowd of people delivering his sermon. Everyone’s eyes and ears are on him, and he is speaking in utmost earnest about a weighty topic. He is employing every ounce of his oratory skill to move his listeners. His mind and his heart are equally involved in conveying his message, so his meaning comes across through the timbre of his voice, the expressions of his countenance, and through every gesture that he makes.

Does a person who is so preoccupied have any opportunity for an affectionate glance at the kids or for thoughts of humoring small children? Certainly not. His immediate concern is with delivering his sermon.

When we consider that the preacher in question is none other than Allah’s Messenger (peace be upon him), we realize how significant his action was. His burdens were far greater than those of any other speaker in history, since his concern was to guide all of humanity, and the message he was entrusted to deliver was Allah’s final message to Creation until the Day of Resurrection. Indeed, the Prophet (peace be upon him) conveyed that weighty message in the most complete and perfect manner.

We must consider the devotion of Allah’s Messenger (peace be upon him), the depth of his faith, and the incomparable awe in which he held his Lord. We must also consider his asceticism and his disinterest in the trappings of the world and his longing for nearness to his Lord.

We must also consider his status. He was the founder and leader of the nascent Muslim state, the state that he was establishing to endure throughout time. During his life, the Muslim community was like a ship surrounded in all directions by a sea of belligerent enemies. No nation had ever before been established in such precarious circumstances, and none with such great aspirations, and no single person had ever before had so much responsibility on his shoulders. He was in charge of everything from its foreign policies, its treaties and covenants, and its day-to-day administration, down to the welfare of its poorest citizens. Concerns like these are more than enough to preoccupy any mortal heart.

Here is Allah’s Messenger (peace be upon him) standing on his very own pulpit – the most distinguished pulpit in all of history – and in these circumstances, in the middle of giving a sermon, he cannot resist going down to collect his grandchildren when he sees them coming towards him with their faltering little steps.

The few moments that it took for him to get down from the pulpit, collect his grandchildren, and ascend it again – we can only imaging how those present must have perceived it. It must have seemed to them like time had stopped, like the Sun had halted in its path across the sky.

The fatherly feelings of Allah’s Messenger were great indeed. He interrupted his sermon which the people were all there to hear. If any of them ever missed one of his sermons, they were heartbroken. So here he was interrupting his sermon right in front of all the esteemed Companions – and why? Simply to hug his grandchildren.

We can scarcely describe this event in words. It is difficult for us to imagine or relate to our own experience. This is the mercy of a father, when that father has a capacity for mercy that extends to all humanity.

Allah says: “And we but sent you as a mercy to all Creation.” [Sûrah al-Anbiyâ': 107]

This expression of fatherly affection was made in front of everyone. It became a lesson in compassion, tenderness, and love for all to see. Te Prophet (peace be upon him) was showing us that mercy and love must be with us at all times. These feelings should never vacate our hearts, not even for an hour, no matter how serious our affairs, and no matter how busy we might be.

We have discussed matters of the heart. Now we should now turn our attention to the verse the Prophet (peace be upon him) quoted: “Your wealth and your children are but a trial.” [Sûrah al-Taghâbun: 15]

What does he mean here by mentioning this verse that says our wealth and our children are a “trial”? Should we understand that the Prophet’s behavior on this occasion was an example of him succumbing to a trial that Allah has warned us against?

This certainly cannot be the case. The Prophet (peace be upon him) is far above succumbing to that which incurs Allah’s displeasure. Anyway, what negative consequence came about because of the Prophet’s behavior? None at all. Did he fail to deliver the message properly? Did he corrupt the people or compromise their welfare? Did the country suffer? Did the Prophet (peace be upon him) even break off his sermon without resuming it? Nothing of that sort took place.

We are compelled to see that the Prophet (peace be upon him) was presenting us with a good example for us to follow. His behavior was a sign of his impeccable prophetic character and his humanity. He was truly the best of people and the most beloved of people to Allah.

Therefore, the Prophet’s conduct on this occasion was Islamic conduct, and it can be used as evidence for questions of Islamic law. It shows us that people in important positions and those who hold high office are not permitted to let their hearts harden. They are not allowed to let their human feelings die. They should not lose sight of their humanity for even a moment. Our humanity is our salvation when we are faced with serous and stressful situations. Otherwise, our difficulties will make us hard-hearted and cruel.

The reason why the Prophet (peace be upon him) recited that verse on this occasion is to show that there are different kinds of trials that come to us through our children, and we should understand that not all of the feelings we have are being prohibited by the verse. There is a difference between the feelings of a father that try him and make him show kindness to his children – feelings that should certainly not be suppressed – and the partiality that makes a father fail to distinguish right from wrong when it comes to his children.

Another way to understand his quoting this verse is to see it as an admission that his heart, like any human heart, is changeable, and he needs Allah to preserve and guide his heart just as much as the rest of us. He would often make the following supplication: “O, He who turns the hearts, turn my heart to Your religion.”

We should not be surprised that the pious heart of the Prophet (peace be upon him) would feel dread at the possibility of it changing for the worst due to the trials and tribulations of life. The Prophet (peace be upon him) put his trust wholly in Allah, never in himself. Only Allah possesses strength and might. Therefore, the Prophet (peace be upon him) recited this verse on this occasion to communicate his need for his Lord to preserve him. He recited it simply to remind himself that his love for his grandchildren must be kept within proper bounds, and not lead him to distraction from his duty to his Lord.

From Abu Huraira, who said:

“The Messenger of Allah (Sallahu Alaihee Wasallam) kissed Hasan bin A’lee and Al-Aqra’ bin Haabis At-Tameemee was sitting with him. So Al-Aqra’ said:

“Indeed I have 10 children and I have not kissed any of them.” So the Messenger of Allah looked at him and said:

“Whoever does not have mercy, would not be given any mercy.” Authentic Hadith, narrated by Al-Bukhaaree and Muslim.

Shaykh Abdur-Razaaq (may Allah protect him) went onto explain:

This Hadith explains the fact that it is from Rahmah (Mercy) to kiss one’s children. It is also a sign of affection and kindness towards them. Such kissing however must be:

1. In accordance with the Sunnah.

2. Upon the sound Fitrah (natural disposition) . Without going beyond the bounds from what is considered as being normal and natural.

The statement:

“Whoever does not have mercy, would not be given any mercy.”

Shows us that whoever does not have mercy towards young children, then he himself would be prevented from receiving any mercy. This is because the rewards and recompense of actions are based upon and will be the same as the type of action that is done. As comes in another Hadith:

“Allah will not have mercy upon the one who does not have mercy upon the people.”

And Allah the Most High knows best.

Authored by: Abdur-Raoof Muhammad, Abu Sumayyah

From the lessons of Shaykh Abdur-Razaaq ibn ‘Abd Al-Muhsin Al-’Abbaad (hafidha-hullah) of Adabul-Mufrad of Imaam Al-Bukaaree

It is narrated that a man came to a knowledgeable person from among our pious predecessors and asked him, “I just had a child, what should I do?” The answer came, “If you are just now asking this question, then you have already lost.”

This narration shows how serious Muslims used to be about raising children. So much so that they told this man, who had just had a child that he had lost. This is because they believed correctly that the proper upbringing of a child begins even before the child is conceived. It begins by us being good Muslims ourselves, choosing good mates and educating ourselves about Islam, and how to be good parents and how to raise good Muslim children. Unfortunately, many Muslim parents today do not understand the importance of raising good Muslim children the way they should. This is why we find young Muslim girls giggling while talking to boys, talking about “he’s sooo cute” and “I think he likes me.” We find that young Muslim boys are getting Muslim and non-Muslim girls pregnant out of wedlock, and we find Muslim children of all ages turning to their parents and asking, “How much longer do I have to be Muslim?” Or, “I can’t wait to get out of this house and stop practicing this stupid religion.” (We seek protection from Allah from this).

A while ago, a Muslim sister came to me seeking advice about what to do about her daughter who had run away from home to be with her Muslim ‘boyfriend.’ What could I say to her, except what the knowledgeable men had said to that man who came to them asking the same question, you have already lost.

As we go about our daily lives, pursuing our occupations as homemakers, doctors, businessmen, teachers or whatever they may be, how often do we forget that the most important job we have is being a shepherd, and that it is this job that Allah will call us to account for on the Day of Judgment. For Allah’s Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, said,

“All of you are shepherds and each one is responsible for his flock. A leader of a people is a shepherd and responsible for them. A man is a shepherd over his family and is responsible for them. A woman is a shepherd over her husband’s house and his children and she is responsible for them. And a servant is a guardian over his master’s property and is responsible for it. So all of you are guardians and are responsible for your charges.” (Bukhari)

As parents, Allah, subhanahu wa ta’ala, has made us responsible for our families. It is the primary responsibility of parents to raise their children as Muslims. And therefore, as shepherds we must never give our children the impression that Islam is merely a series of rituals to be done in a certain way, day in, and day out. Rather, we should be keen to tell them and to convey to them Islam as a complete way of life, and it is the way of life that brings about true peace and happiness, in this world as well as the hereafter.

As shepherds, we must realize that it is our responsibility to guide our flock and to keep them away from the prohibited pastures. “Whoever indulges in these suspicious things is like a shepherd who grazes (his animals) near the hima (private pasture) of someone else and at any moment he is liable to get in it. (O people) Beware! Every King has a hima and the hima of Allah on the earth is His illegal (forbidden) things.” (Bukhari)

Are we allowing our flocks to graze in the hima (prohbited things) of Allah, subhanahu wa ta’ala? Are we allowing our teenage daughter to go out without the proper hijab, or our teenage sons to talk to girls on the phone, because we are in America and everybody does it? Or more importantly, are we allowing them to do these things, because we ourselves do not find anything wrong with them?

Many parents feel as though they have fulfilled their duty of being a good shepherds (raising good Muslim children) by simply enrolling their children in the “Islamic Sunday School” at the local masjid. What we tend to forget is, children develop their opinions of Islam from the attitudes of their parents, and the importance that Islam is given in the home.

As parents, are we outraged when our children bring home bad grades from school, yet we are indifferent when that same child misses salah. Are we more concerned with our child’s place in Harvard than we are with his place in the hereafter? Are our homes places where the Qur’an is only dusted off for the ritualistic reading during the month of Ramadhan? Is it a place where only fard salahs are observed and Allah and His Messenger are almost never mentioned? Then we are teaching our children that Islam is only worth a few hours on a Sunday morning, so we shouldn’t be surprised when they begin to treat it that way.

So, how do we become good shepherds? The first step is to make a self-evaluation. We need to ask ourselves, are my feelings about Islam in accordance to what Allah, subhanahu wa ta’ala, requires of me? Does my action match my speech? How much of my time do I spend learning about Islam and/or worshiping Allah? Only after affirming the strengths and weaknesses of our own Islam and constantly striving in our practice of Islam, can we begin to guide our flock on the path that is pleasing to Allah.

As parents and as shepherds our primary responsibility is fulfilling the commands of Allah, subhanahu wa ta’ala, “O you who believe, save yourselves and your families from the fire.” [66:6] Our flocks are the future of this deen. Are we raising them to be good shepherds?

Reprinted from Al-Jumuah Magazine

Source: http://www.whymuhammad.com/en/

The home of today has become very much like a hotel. Strangers stumble in and out at odd hours, each one doing his own little thing. “The family” has now almost become just a fond memory. “The family” having meals together is a rare occasion. Just sitting together and chatting is even more rare. Part of the blame can be apportioned to the fast, demanding pace of life in the modern and “advanced” world we are living in. The other part can be attributed to the lack of will and the apathy on the part of members of the family to get together more often. Every one seems quite happy with leading his/her “own life”.

Parents have a responsibility to bind the family. Upbringing plays an important part on how close off-spring will be with their parents and among themselves in later life. If they have grown up comfortably in a cold, detached home environment, the “hotel-type” home, they can hardly be expected to take much interest in family affairs later on.

from islamway

By Dr. Aisha Hamdan

The stage of adolescence is often seen as a time of turmoil and distress for both the teenagers and their parents. Parents worry about what kind of friends their teen will have, whether or not they will do well in school and decide to pursue their education further, and how much “control” they will have over their teen’s decisions. Greater fears include problems with drugs or alcohol, trouble with the legal system, premarital relationships, and suicide. In addition to all of these issues, Muslim parents would be concerned about whether or not their adolescent will wear the hijab, perform salah correctly and on time, fast during the month of Ramadhan, avoid contact with members of the opposite gender, respect his/her parents and other adults. Dealing with all of these worries can be less stressful if a parent knows what to expect as their child enters this phase of development.

Adolescence is generally considered to begin around the age of 12 or 13 and end at 18 or 19. It is a period of transition between childhood and adulthood that is not at all universal. In many cultures and societies there is no such phase of development since marriage and the its associated responsibilities occur at an early age. Adolescence is present in other societies due to social, economic, and cultural factors that produce a gap between the ability to reproduce biologically and the societal expectations for reproduction. As Muslims, we need to contemplate the validity of this stage since we understand that accountability (Takleef) for our thoughts and actions begins at puberty (Buloogh). This means that even though we may not be an “adult” socially, we are considered to be one spiritually. Obviously this should bring up all kinds of red flags and warnings for parents as they realize that the task of parenting is mostly complete by the age of 12 or 13, depending on when a child reaches puberty. At that time, the youth will be completely responsible to Allah for all that he/she does. This does not mean that being a parent ends at that time, but it does highlight the significance of those early years and the crucial role that parents play. We need to build a solid foundation so that our children will make appropriate choices when the time comes.

For those who are in a society where adolescence is regarded as a distinct developmental phase, it is beneficial to understand some of its general characteristics. The perception that this time in life is one of turmoil and distress is related to the commonly held belief that parent-adolescent conflict is inevitable and that the difficulty will continue until the adolescent leaves home. Although this does occur in some families, it should not be considered the norm. Disagreements will obviously arise as the adolescent begins to assert his/her need for independence and control, which is accompanied by expanding cognitive ability and an emerging self-identity. Parents should respect their teenager’s choices and foster his/her sense of responsibility, as long as the choices are not contrary to the principles of Islam. Youth should also be taught the fundamental Islamic value of being obedient and respectful to parents at an early age so that when correction is necessary it will be readily accepted. The use of these two strategies should be effective in preventing any serious parent-adolescent conflict from occurring. A positive note is that research has shown that although adolescents and their parents may differ about details of everyday life, they generally agree on issues related to basic values. This is another red flag to signify that we should be aware of the values that we are teaching our youth.

Socially, there is a reorganization during adolescence as more time is spent with peers, adult guidance is reduced and becomes more indirect, and participation in large social groups becomes important. The peer group becomes more influential and various forms of peer pressure may operate. Another positive note is that adolescents are more likely to go along with peer pressure that is prosocial than with pressure to misbehave. The peer group is also an important source of information, encouragement, and social connectedness as the person begins to learn his/her way around in the world. As Muslim parents, we should obviously be concerned about the type of information and encouragement that our youths receive and, by extension, the type of friends that they have. We should encourage them to form friendships and relationships with those who hold the same Islamic values that we are attempting to convey. Children who have developed a love for Islam will naturally follow in this path.

Adolescence can be a splendid time of life for both parents and youth as the transition occurs from childhood into adulthood. If the seeds of Islam have been planted from the beginning and watered and nurtured along the way, a beautiful, flowering plant will unfold. There should then be little worry about the many concerns that may appear during this time. Contrary to the belief that this is a time of conflict between parent and adolescent, it can actually be one of mutual growth, love, and respect. The parent-child relationship will change at this time as independence and accountability develop, but the new bond that occurs can be rewarding and fulfilling for both. May Allah, subhana wa ta’ala, help us to be exemplary parents and assist us in raising righteous children.

By Katie Streten

Screaming, throwing tantrums, constantly changing their minds… Young children are naturally demanding – their survival instinct drives them to seek constant attention from the poor mugs who provide their food and water.

Toddlers are particularly bad.

They are flexing their muscles and only just beginning to realise that they are part of a family and not the person round whom the world turns. So there are times when a parent will give in – just for a moment’s peace! But when giving in becomes a habit then the occasional tantrum will become the norm and you could find yourself hostage in your own home to a miniature Caesar.

Don’t panic! Whether you’re trying to prevent your life turning into a melodrama or are looking for a way back to sanity, there are simple techniques you can use that won’t harm your child but will help you regain control. And if your treasure is still a gurgling babe in arms, the following advice – as given by Jo Frost in Channel 4′s Supernanny – will help you to avoid this situation before it even starts.

Avoid problems before they start

*Establish a timetable

Setting up a routine gives young children order and predictability – something they love. It will help you to give enough time to devote to your little terror and to yourself without thinking that you are being selfish. You should also schedule time for any other children you have who’ve not been taking over your life. Finally, remember your partner. That way everyone is happy!

*Count down to the next action

Once you have set up a timetable remind your child what time each action starts and finishes. An example might be how you prepare them to leave for the childminder’s in the morning. Tell them “In ten minutes we’re leaving for the childminder’s aren’t we? What time do we do that?” and keep reminding them. That way, when you ask them to put on their coat ready to go out they’ll know why and are less likely to kick up a fuss about it.

*Involve them in tasks

While you’re at it get them involved in getting ready. Persuade them to try and put on their coat, get them to look for their shoes. Do help them, but involve them – they enjoy it! Believe me, in years to come you’ll long for the days when they were so keen to set the table…

*Work together

Even if you’re a single parent, the chances are you’ll be sharing the care of your child with friends, new partner or extended family. One sure way of making life hard for yourself is not working in a team with the other carers. If you don’t back each other up your kids will quickly sense a weakness in the system and start to play you off against one another. You’ll end up with even less control than before.

Work with your partner or other carers to establish a routine and ways of telling the children off. Make sure that everybody understands them and then… stick to it! Remember kids will respond better to the discipline if they get one consistent message from all their carers.

*Telling them off

A good ticking off is inevitable sooner or later, but there are ways of getting your point across more effectively.

*Come down to their levels

It’s hard to ignore someone who is staring right into your eyes – even if you are the master manipulator and you’re only three years old. Plus, if you are telling them off it will be easier for them to see that you are serious, that this isn’t all one big game.

*Change the tone of your voice

Make your voice firm and lower the tone. It’s another clue that you are not playing a game – and it tells your bundle of joy that you are, in fact, angry with them.

*Explain what your child has done wrong

You have to tell your child what they have done wrong, otherwise they won’t understand why you are angry and they won’t learn what makes good behaviour good and what makes bad behaviour bad. An example might be, “Don’t bite people, Tommy, because it hurts and it’s naughty.”

*Use the ‘naughty step’

Tell them that if they continue they will go and sit on the naughty step i.e. a chosen area on your staircase – it’s out of the way of the family and out of the way of fun. give them a chance to be good but if they just won’t listen take them to the naughty step, tell them what they’ve done wrong again and tell them how long they will have to stay there: for instance “Until you are ready to say sorry” or “Until you are ready to sit at the table and eat your tea.”

*Follow through. Don’t let them leave the stair; don’t let them continue their naughty behaviour. Be firm. nb: if you live in a bungalow how about a ‘naughty corner’?

*Follow up your threats with action

Just imagine that your bank said you’d have to pay interest if you went overdrawn, but then let you off saying, “Well, just this once then”. You go overdrawn a second time and they fail to charge it again… You’d soon get the idea that it doesn’t matter if you’re overdrawn and could be sunning yourself in Barbados or driving a Porsche safe in the knowledge that your bank doesn’t seem to care.(1)

That’s what it’s like when you tell your child not to do something and threaten them with a punishment… and then say “Oh ok, you don’t have to sit on the naughty step… but don’t do it again” and give them a hug. Would that stop you from biting Smelly Sarah from next door? I don’t think so. This really is the key – if you don’t back up your words with actions your child will not do as you say.

When they just go right on doing what they’re doing

*Praise them when they do something good Reward good behaviour with praise.

If they come back to the table after sitting on the naughty step and eat up all their tea give them their due. Raise your voice, lighten your tone and say “Well done! You ate all your tea.” After all, they’ve actually done something good and they will feel pleased about pleasing you!

*Be consistent

Most important of all – follow through, follow through, follow through. Empty threats don’t convince anyone – even a two-year-old child. You might feel like the meanest person in the world while you are enforcing this good behaviour, but remember the child that everyone laughed at school because they were constantly howling and playing up? Remember the …. kid who always had to have their own way? That’s the monster you will create if you let your snookums get away with whatever takes their fancy. So do it for your child if you can’t do it for your own peace of mind!

More tipsYou may find that your little darlings are always at each other’s throats, particularly if you have children of different sexes as they probably won’t have common toys to play with. Involving them in games that require them to play in teams or against other people, not just on their own, is a good way to get them to “play nicely together”. They can learn to enjoy each other’s company without biting, hitting, screaming and crying.

Sibling squabbles

Bedwetting – An idea

Not all bedwetting is done for this reason but you have to admit it’s a brilliant way to get attention! When the bed is wet the sheets have to be changed and the poor bedwetter gets to climb in bed to snuggle up with mum or dad. They may not do it on purpose but it does mean they get attention. Genius!

A simple way to address this is to gently wake up your child just before you go to bed yourself and sit them on the toilet. Once they’ve been, tuck them up again. You’re likely to find that emptying their bladder on this extra occasion solves the problem.

(July 2004, resources updated December 2004) source: http://www.channel4.com/health/microsites/F/family/parenting/dontshake.html

Footnote: Article is from a un islamic site.

* We need to accustom our children to communicating their feelings to us, to express themselves properly when they are angry instead of crying and shouting.

When we come to know the cause of the anger, we need to speak to our children on their own level and explain matters to them in a way that they can understand. We cannot deal with them as if they were adults like ourselves, we must deal with them on their own level, no matter how trivial their problems may seem to us.

We can think about how a little girl took the Prophet’s hand and he allowed her to lead him around wherever she wanted to go.

A child needs to feel that he lives in an environment of controlled freedom. He should not live in an atmosphere of constant control and domination so that he represses his feelings and his identity.

* In one survey, it was determined that 70% of the children living in the Gulf region suffer from psychological disorders of one kind or another. We find ourselves between two opposite extremes – that of going overboard in controlling and disciplining our children and that of utter laxity. What is needed is a just balance.

I know some very respectable people who insist on pining over every detail when it comes to “raising” their children, so much so that the child can scarcely breathe without being taken to account for it. When the father comes to me with his son in tow, the boy’s face is ashen and he is visibly disturbed. This is because the child is not allowed to act in any way other than according to his father’s mindset, which is an impossible burden for the mind of a small child.

* We must teach our children to seek means to control their anger. We might instruct them to perform ablutions or to sit down if they are standing or to take hold of a book or some other object. If he does so and his anger subsides, then he should be commended and rewarded for keeping his anger under control. Do not withhold the praise when your child keeps himself calm. Let him know with your words and gestures that you recognize his achievement. Give him a little token of appreciation, even just the pen in your shirt pocket.

* Allow the child to role-play. Be the angry one and let your child try to calm you down. Let his try whatever means he feels are appropriate.

* It is better for a child to say “I feel angry because of this or that” than it is for him to scream and shout.

* The dictatorial approach is not always the right one. We need to avoid saying things like “Shut up!” “Get out of my sight!” “If I get my hands on you, I am going to break your head!” and “Don’t use that impudent tone with me!”

At times, might we rather say: “Dear, I am your father (or mother, as the case may be) and I love you. I feel it when you are angry, so do not distress me so.” What is important is for the child to empathize with your feelings. The child today will be an adult tomorrow, and if we do not develop such an empathy with our children when they are young, we may regret it down the road.

* We should take to heart the example of the Prophet (peace be upon him). Anas said about him: “I swear by Allah. I have never seen anyone show more mercy to his family that Allah’s Messenger (peace be upon him).” [Sahîh Muslim (2316)]

The Prophet (peace be upon him) loved children. He wept when his little son Ibrâhîm died.

Whenever a child was born, they would bring the child to the Prophet (peace be upon him) and he would offer supplications for the child. Sometimes he would change a child’s name to a better one. He used to play with children and humor them.

When al-Hasan, the Prophet’s grandson came running into the Prophet’s room and jumped down in front of him, the Prophet (peace be upon him) embraced him and kissed him and said: “O Allah! Love him and love those who love him.” [Sahîh al-Bukhârî (2122) and Sahîh Muslim (2421)]

He would go to the mosque, carrying either al-Hasan or al-Husayn on his shoulder. Once he prayed his prayers while carrying Umamah bint Zaynab in his arms. He consoled a small child whose pet bird had died. He would even seek the permission of a child sitting to his right to allow him to offer a drink first to some elders on his left. When the child refused to waive his right, the Prophet (peace be upon him) served the child first. We see where `Amr b. Salamah was appointed to lead the prayers for his people though he was only six years old, simply because he was the most knowledgeable among them of the Qur’ân.

Examples like these abound, and when we regard them, the greatness of the Prophet’s character becomes all the more evident to us. We realize that the best schools of education and childrearing in the East and West are in need of the light of our Prophet’s example.